Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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