I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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