I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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