i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
