I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize