My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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