paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I love you. Go after that dick
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize