we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
