Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
