That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
