Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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