Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
the day after is always just damage control
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
