getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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