Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I've blown a few things in my day
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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