remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
