I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
