Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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