we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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