I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
