i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
