I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
