I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
