my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
