I like my sex mixed with concussions.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
