I can tuck mytits in my pants
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
