im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
