It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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