I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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