He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
