My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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