He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
