I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
