Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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