dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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