i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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