and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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