thus making me awesome and them whores
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
