Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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