Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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