GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
