I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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