i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
