I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize