Umm I'm too high to move.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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