my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Randomize
