God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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