Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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