if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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