Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
