it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
