If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
