He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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