yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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