His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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