I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
