im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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