there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
