His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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